PATRICK STEPHENSON

Earthbound concerns of an ascendant adult

“Whistler Arrested”

by Patrick Stephenson,
fearful and compliant dystopic journalist

MINNEAPOLIS, University of Minnesota // In accordance with a new policy banning campus performance, Dick Squarehands—the famed University whistler—was Whistlerarrested in front of Coffman Union Friday.

“He was a nuisance,” said Campus Security Chief Whitten Bingham. “The semester is almost over. Students are stressed about finals and final papers. Every afternoon for the past week, Squarehands has stood outside Coffman, whistling and annoying everyone. It’s intolerable. It’s unacceptable. Until now, he’s eluded us, but we’ve stopped him.” Squarehands was whistling Dixie on the Union lawn when Security Officers Raymond and Harold tackled him. Then, Harold clocked Squarehands, flipped him over and handcuffed him. According to witnesses, as Harold and Raymond dragged the bloody, beaten Squarehands away, his song became a high-pitched ear-piercer.

Reactions to the arrest were mixed. “These are fascist doings,” said Robin Cullman, a Political Science and Music double major. “This school has changed since President Browning was appointed. Campus is silent. We’re afraid of each other.” (Tragically, an hour after Cullman spoke to Daily reporters, she was found dead in her dorm room.) Another student, preferring anonymity, agreed with Cullman. “The whistling wasn’t bothering me. Actually, it always improved my day. Made me feel better, y’know. I’d stand before him in awe. Such whistling, such beauty, such projection!” “Everything good,” Anonymous continued, scratching at his mandatory maroon and gold uniform, “is gone from here.”

Other students disagreed. “It’s about time,” said Riley McBiggins, resident jock. “I can’t concentrate around that douche whistling. Does he think he’s talented? Does he think we care about his whistling? Woo!” John Jehosephatpants, Director of Students for Solemn Silence on Campus (SSS), concurred with McBiggins. “Dick Squarehands,” said Jehosephatpants in Friday’s Coffman Square sermon, “was the last bastion of the smarm and corruption that tainted campus until Buns Browning became President last year.” — “No longer,” Jehosephatpants continued, “will our reverent silence be mocked and reduced by whistlers like Dick Squarehands.” (This writer sides with Jehosephatpants.)

Squarepants’ whistling reportedly began ten years ago, prior to Re-reconstruction during King George II’s original reign. Squarepants, a science major, found that his heretical knowledge was becoming defunct. Unemployed, unable to house or feed himself and descending into insanity, Squarepants whistled for U students’ entertainment. Apparently, Squarepants had a wide repertoire of songs, and when he whistled on Coffman’s lawn, he could be heard from the Chipotle on Washington Ave. Students weren’t sure of what to think of Squarepants at first, but, according to alumni, as time passed they became familiar with and even fond of Squarepants, to their detriment. Campus security has discovered since Squarepants’ arrest that he has, for the past decade, created a home for himself in a dark corner of Coffman.

Squarepants’ terrible legacy ended Friday. His execution is scheduled for next Friday, following SSS Director Jehosephatpants’ noon sermon. Attendance is required.

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Written by patiomensch

February 28, 2007 at 4:28 am

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